Might sound strange, but I feel very connected with my son. We can look at each other across a room and we just get each other. We have that silent, unspoken, knowing look. Perhaps, it’s because I’ve had such a difficult time with our son, that I have bonded so deeply with him. Those nights that never seemed to end, when he’d only settle in my arms. Nobody else’s arms, only mine. Those nights when I held him as he fought to keep the contents of his stomach in his stomach, crying out in pain. I know happy times bring you close, but I think it’s the really tough times, the times that almost break you, that bring you together the closest – closer than any happy time could. Because you survived it together. I think this might be why I feel a very deep connection with my son. My son and I have spent more time in each other’s company over the last eleven months, than we’ve spent with anyone else. It has only been in the last couple of months, since we got to the bottom of all his medical issues, that people other than myself were able to settle him. It was me who slept by his bed when he was in hospital. I held him while he cried out in pain, day in and day out, when we didn’t know what was wrong. It was me who held him, rocked him, and cuddled him while he would scream endlessly through much of the day and the night. I held him during the different tests he’s had, looking into his tear-filled eyes that questioned what was happening, what was I letting them do to him. I held him even when I didn’t want to. Even on those dark days when I suffered with post natal depression, when I was so disconnected from the world, I still held him. I think it is those difficult times that have given us our deep connection.
Unfortunately we are not out of the woods yet. Whilst we think we have all the answers to our ‘why’ questions, we are only beginning our journey back to ‘normal’. At the moment we are making some difficult decisions about how much more testing to do. Testing that could give us more insight into what is going on in his little body and also help us in knowing how best to proceed in drawing back his medication. But at the same time, I hate putting him through these tests because sometimes they don’t give us any more answers. But of course you don’t know until you do it… and every doctor you speak to had a different opinion. That’s if you can get it to see the doctor! We just count ourselves very lucky that our lIttle man’s health should come good in time and that what he suffers from now should, with the help of medication, fix itself in time. Fingers crossed! In the meantime, we have a few more hurdles to jump, but I will be jumping every one with him as much as I can.